Anger has been building under the surface of my usual oh so cheerful exterior expression. I’m not sure why. It just feels like there’s a storm brewing. And since I am not distracted by my usual business, I am feeling things more intensely. There is no apparent reason for the intensity of my energy. Nothing has happened to piss me off or annoy me in any way, shape or form. Life is good. Friends and family are as lovable as ever and my creativity is highly inspired.
I wonder at times like these, if I am picking up the feelings of the world at large, if my anger is a result of the anger that is brewing on a larger scale. There certainly is enough of it to be seen and heard on television and on the radio. But then I am reminded that the world at large will only appear to me as I perceive it, that is, it will only reflect back to me what I resonate with. So, I am back to square one: What is this anger, this discomfort within me? What is it trying to teach me?
My body is not helping at all. It is repeatedly disobeying my strict orders. My legs will run to the store to buy cookie dough ice cream even though I am on a cleanse and they’ll refuse all other forms of exercise, like hiking up Themescal Canyon or doing the Culver City steps. What is up with that? I love hiking!
As I ponder the situation, I am led to a very simple conclusion: It is time to surrender to a higher power. It is time to stop giving myself these strict orders. It is time I stop pretending I can control anything at all. It is time to allow this energy that is brewing to come out and play. In itself, it is not angry. I suspect it is only my trying to control it that causes the discomfort and subsquent feeling of anger.
What on earth will happen as I let this energy unfold, as I let myself be moved without trying to tame or hinder or restrict whatever may come? Will I connect with other “unruly” energies that seek to end oppression? Will we unite on a higher level of consciousness? Will our truly organic expression create a whole new playing field? The answer is, I have no idea.
This I do know: If I continue the current course of action, which is to try to move forward with the same restrictions and limitations that have suppressed me, however well meaning, in the past, my anger will surely intensify. The only solution I can see, at this point, is to release resistance, say bye-bye to judgmental notions and say a great big YES to the new unlimited version of my energetic self.
Here we go…