More often than not, I see myself as a positive person. Someone who tries to make the best of things, no matter what. I try to see the beauty and the light in everyone and everything, no matter what. But sometimes I fail. Sometimes I lose sight of the light and the beauty. Sometimes I fall into a black abyss pit, – a pit containing all the feelings I try to avoid.
I am in this pit right now, tempted to cancel my upcoming performance. Tempted to cancel most things. Tempted to give up on my self. It’s just a feeling, I know. A temporary state of being. It’s no more real than anything else. But at the moment it feels like everything. At the moment it feels like my whole life. At the moment it is nearly unbearable. And at this moment of nearly unbearableness, I can feel a slight shift in the energy.
As I let the pure energy of the black abyss pit wash over me and have its way with me, – as I allow the discomfort of feeling this low, this alone, this helpless, without trying to fix it or avoid it. As I allow it to simply be felt by me in its entirety – as I surrender to it, I can feel it transforming and releasing and dissolving into grace. Such is the gift of grace.
Sometimes I have to let myself feel whatever gunk it is that wants to come to the surface and be released, in order to let grace carry me. Otherwise, I am too busy managing my life. Figuring things out. Making things happen. Being a doer. Sometimes the gunk that reside in that black abyss pit is a huge blessing in disguise, allowing me to surrender completely to my higher power.
Ah, what a joy it is to let life carry me.