Fighting Artistic Depression

I am situated at a small café in Oslo, drinking my favorite, Chai tea latte with soy milk. I slept through the night. I had a healthy breakfast. I rode my bike here. In other words, there is no reason why this shouldn’t be a most delicious creative and productive day.

But underneath my optimistic facade, the soft smile on my face, the playlist of truly interesting creative tasks and the intellectual knowing that all is well in the present moment, I can sense a deep murmur of fear beneath the surface. This murmur has the power to paralyze me completely, if I let it.

It’s an old murmur. A murmur from childhood, psychologically intensified by layers and layers of similar feeling murmurs. In its current manifestation it can be described as a web of sticky mind-mist and soggy, glue-like emotional mud.

I know that if I can get to the core of the murmur, if I can catch a glimpse of the cause of the original fear, or even just the original emotion that got triggered from said fear, I can dissolve it. This requires courage, patience and willingness to surrender my ego.

My ego will fight me at every turn. It will tell me that under no circumstance am I allowed to admit that I have felt anything less than all-powerful. It will do its damdest to convince me to maintain a picture perfect facade of a strong, vibrant, successful artist in motion. It doesn’t know any better. It is merely doing its job as ego.

Surrendering the ego can be an amazingly powerful thing, especially when it comes to reprogramming old patterns that no longer serves their original purpose. By letting myself sink into the feelings of interest and observe their related thought patterns without trying to judge, combat or fix them, I surrender the ego. I surrender to a state of simply being fully present to the moment.

When I surrender to the moment, no matter how painful it is or uncomfortable it makes me feel, I allow for an expansion of consciousness to take place. This is the point where I can most effectively let go of that which no longer serve me, let my body rejuvenate and receive new wisdom.

Today’s murmur happens to be about perfection in performance and a tremendous sense of urgency in terms of maximizing the potential of my talent. Growing up as a child star with parents who modelled an unusually high level of productivity and fabulousness, I felt a constant pressure to maximize my potential at every turn. This pressure has caused me to develop my talent in extraordinary fashions and be amazingly productive. It has also caused me to periodically feel overwhelmed and insignificant and paralyzed.

So, today, I surrender to simply being and feeling and observing. Today I surrender to loving myself as whole and complete in this moment and the next, just the way I am. Today, I declare that I am enough just for being. I forgive myself for allowing the ghosts of the past influence my joy and lightness of being. I forgive my parents for the pressure they caused and I open my heart and mind to receiving the good that abounds.

Sometimes the best way to fight something is to surrender:)

2 responses to “Fighting Artistic Depression

  1. Thank you , Katia! I love you too! 🙂

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